Tuesday, February 8, 2011

For Jennifer, the Concise Version

Picture this: A three year old, a six year old, a moving truck, a cross country move.  Friends with small children visiting, friends with small children helping to load the truck.  Loads of people in and out of the house, exposed to our stuff and kids. One last meal out at a restaurant (Chinese food), come home to sleep together on the floor on the last items in our house.  Mattresses. 

Middle of the night, the 3 year old vomiting begins.  Chinese food and white berber (brand new) carpeting don't mix when the closing of the house/walk through is in the morning.  Middle of the night run to Walmart for a mini wet dry vac (better than unpacking the entire truck parked in the driveway).

6 year old airway reaction to carpet cleaning spray, back to Walmart for more cleaning agents and inhaler refill (also somewhere in truck).  More scrubbing, closing of blinds, dimming of lights, and prayers for closing of house to go off without a hitch, and no one will notice that the Chinese food puddle marks.

Throw the mattresses in the back of the truck, driver comes and picks up the truck, snowing, get into our mini-van and head out for the first of three 12 hour driving days.  3 year old appears to be fine, eating fine.  Endless Mac Donald's, singing, books on cd, (too poor for new technology of car dvd players), reading books, new toys hoarded the past months from the dollar store...finally arrive in south Illinois after hundreds of promises of swimming pool upon arrival.

Check into hotel, go up to room and toilet overflows.  Call front desk, put on swimsuits, and head down to pool.  6 year old jumps in pool, 3 year old jumps in pool, 4.8 mints pass and 3 year old vomits EVERYWHERE.  IN POOL.  Ga-ross.  Everybody out of the pool.  Head back up to room, toilet overflowing again, and throw barfy kid and non-barfy kid in shower to hose off the barf.

Guy comes to door and "fixes" toilet.  Sitting on bed combing out 6 year old long hair when I notice a pice of fuzz in her hair.  I throw it in the trash, start combing again.  More fuzz.  Hmmm.  Mo-re fuzz...hmmm.  Not fuzz.  Tiny bugs.  David pulls out computer.  Looks like those tiny bugs are LICE.  Hannah is ground zero and has 25 or 35 actual louse.   Bubba's hair is checked.   Lice.  David's hair is checked.  Lice.  My hair is checked.  Lice.  

Freak out.  Drive to Walmart (no this is not a paid advertisement) and buy every lice product they have.  Drive back to hotel and EVERYONE scrubs down with Rid shampoo.  No sleep.  Itching.  Toss and turn over thoughts of how many of my friends and their kids we have infected with lice in the last week.  Toilet overflows.  Room is already infected with lice so we do not complain or ask to change rooms. Back on the road in the morning.  

Drive 12 more hours stopping every 50 miles for Bubba to go to the bathroom.  Diarrhea has begun.  Back to Walmart for anti-diarrhea med's for Bubba.  

Arrive in Kentucky.  Check into hotel.  I head off to the laundromat and wash every stitch of clothing, car seat cover, stuffed animal, item that could possibly be washed in the hottest water I can find.  Spend $40 in quarters and most of the night washing and drying all the lice and diarrhea off of everything we own in the van.  Arrive back at hotel to find David, Hannah and Bubba ALL have diarrhea.  No sleep.  Itching. Tossing and turning all night thinking of washing more clothes to rid them of diarrhea and lice.

Back on the road.  Stopped every 5 miles for Bubba to realize that he CAN't go to the bathroom, too much medicine.  Arrive in North Carolina at new house (that I've never seen before) and get keys.  Go inside.  No furniture.  No pots or pans.  Nothing.  Drive another 1.5 hours to David's brothers house to spend the night.  Have given them warning, and they have checked us into a hotel (can't blame them).  David's brother has 5 kids.  We have brought a case of Rid (from Walmart) with us as a "we're here" present.

Hotel they have checked us into has doors on the outside, is next to a Waffle House (Awful House) where there was gunfire during the night, and the sheets smell like B.O.  David's brother feels awful that hotel is bad, offers for us to stay the night with them (Thanksgiving).  Shampoo's all 5 kids for safety sake.

David's brother and his wife have to run out and we are in charge of all 7 kids.  The MINUTE they walk out the door their 3 year old barfs EVERYWHERE, like dominoes, 3 of their other kids follow. Food Poisoning.  Curse you Sonic!

We decide that sleeping bags on the floor of our new house is better than freaking out about our lice and their undiagnosed barf and drive 1.5 hours back to our new house.

Our moving truck, that was supposed to take 3 days, takes 8 and we spend night after night on the floor, which is a blessing because our stuff is exposed to negative temperatures for consecutive nights and all lice eggs are killed.  Moving was like quarantine.

David and Bubba shave heads.  Hannah and I try every method of lice egg removal including Mayonnaise in the hair, Palmolive and Saran Wrap and finally rid our heads of lice by dying our hair.

All of the above story is completely true and equals...our move from HELL and is meant to  cheer up my friend.  My poor friend Jennifer texted me today to tell me that she, after 13 years of motherhood and three (awesome) boys, she has finally has lice.  She was texting because her head was wrapped in Mayonnaise.  She isn't sure how many of her boys have succumbed to the louse.  She texted "Shoot me now."  Sorry Jennifer!  If I could, I would don my shower cap and head on over to comb through your hair!  I wish we lived in the same state! 

Above picture via GiantMicrobes.com


Rita said...

What an awesome story! Thanks for sharing that made me smile.

NanaGo said...

4 daughters, all with long hair (two & mine are waist length) with Lice. . .thanks to a Girl Scout campout. Been there, done that Way too many times. All I can say is Bed Bugs are worse.