Monday, August 29, 2011

Only Five Dollars!

Thank you itunes for having your $4.99 movie sales.  Sixteen Candles is on sale this week "to own" for only $4.99.  Go get your copy!  Jake...oh you handsome devil.  I can't wait!

Burfday Boy

Bubba had "the best birthday ever!"
Giant Nerf guns...electric guitars...angry birds.

I am usually opposed to wasting money on items like the crap mentioned above,
but A. I uncharacteristically waited until the night before to buy his gifts, 
B. got everything he wanted, 
and C. scored on clearance items!

Bubba decided at 11 a.m. that he wanted a Red Velvet cake,
and as I ran into Walmart to buy a mix I noticed the 6" cakes in the bakery.
Woot!  Red Velvet!

Won Three to Zero

Hannah's team won against their rivals this evening 3 to 0!

And, as usual, David and I need to brush up on our whispering skilz, because we
kept a few people in the stands entertained with our snarkey comments.  

Saturday, August 27, 2011


As the week closes I am very thankful that I made it through the kid's first week of school and my first week of working full time successfully.  I shuttled children.  I managed to have dinner on the table each night.  I kept up with the laundry.  Each bed has clean sheets.  The dog got walked each day.  I found Bubba a birthday present.  I finished my lesson plans.  And I didn't kill or hurt any of my students.  Success!  

Number 2

Today, on the eve of his birthday, Bubba received his soccer jersey for the new Fall rec league season.  After last years horrific "watermelon" jersey we are very thankful that the newest addition to our jersey collection is a subdued camel and navy combo.

When Bubba went to choose his number he was given the choice of 1, 2, 3 or 4 because of sizing and the fact the he is one of the smallest kids on the team being that it is a 6-8th grade league.  Yes, there are post-pubescent hairy boys on his team and it is freaking me out a bit, but I'm trying to adopt more of the "rub some dirt on it" attitude when he gets hurt.  Bubba picked the number 2...which at the time I thought GREAT!  
Hannah is also number 2 so it will be easy for me to root for 
my kids with my Alzheimer's and all.

We arrived home to show David and Hannah the new jersey and 
David chimes in with the inevitable...
"Wow, I didn't expect to have two number 2's in one day!"
Followed by Hannah's well timed...
"I love a good number 2."

Ahh...the potty humor.
I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

Dear Network Executives,

Dear Network Executives,

Thank you so much for providing us with wonderful programming choices such as the newly discovered entry on my Time Warner listing "Perfect Boobs."  No, I do not subscribe to the porn channels.  This particular show could have been an infomercial, but needless to say what channel do you think my pre-pubescent boy is going to be attracted to when surfing the listings?

No, I am not a reality t.v. junkie.  I have friends that watch the "Bachelor" faithfully after 100 seasons...I have friends that are bigs fans of show like "Ice Road Truckers."  I have discovered a friends' dark secret obsession with "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," but honestly I never personally seek out reality t.v. shows.  Okay, there is my family's occasional fascination with "Swamp People"...but that is quality programming.  I love trying to count how many teef Junior has and love seeing the completely different lifestyle that is Swamp life.  Maybe I just miss the southern accents we encountered in North Carolina.  Who knows?

Oh wait, we also like "American Pickers"  but that doesn't count either.  Antiques and picking through peoples junk is normal behavior.

When did you, Network Executives, decide that reality t.v. shows and shows with names like "Perfect Boobs" were air-able?

I am seriously considering canceling my cable, but what would I do every evening?  My ISP is bundled with my t.v.  and I'd have to actually do something strenuous, like research, to change things.

Hugs and kisses,


Friday, August 19, 2011

Dear Mr. Superintendent,

Dear Mr. Superintendent,

Thank you so much for your advanced thought in today's pre-school activities and the havoc they would wreck on my driving and scheduling.  I really appreciate how you planned middle school AND high school orientation for EXACTLY THE SAME times.  I guess ours is the only family in our district that has both an incoming freshman and an incoming 6th grader.

Both my children came home completely overwhelmed and freaked out that they were never going to make it from first period to second period and so on.

Not only did you plan the 3 orientation events (two middle schools and one high school) at the same time, but you created a traffic jam around the area of each school in question so as to make attending both impossible, picking up both your children impossible, and just plain a MESS in our usually traffic-less Stepford community.  It took me a half and hour to travel the distance of a mile this morning because of your orientation geniousity and planning.

While we are on the subject of your mad planning skilz, let me also commend you for your let's get rid of half-day public Kindergarten and replace it with full day only on EITHER Mondays/Thursdays and every other Wednesdays  OR Tuesdays/Fridays and every other Wednesdays except in the month of November.  What? you are asking?  What schedule is this?  That is exactly what everyone in our community is asking.  WTF?  Yes, this new Kindergarten policy has provided me with a job, but can we all just say what WERE you smoking when you devised this?  Not one person understands the schedule and how you devised this.

I understand that this master plan of yours saves the district money because of bussing, but seriously?  What is the dollar amount?  Can I write you a check?

Sorry, not your biggest fan at the moment.



Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dear Walmart People,

Dear Walmart People,

Thank you so much for your entertaining ways, but I must confess I really do hate you.  Not you personally, because I am not a hater, but your idiotic ways.

Yesterday I walked into Super Walmart because it was the closest grocery store (that sold edible produce) and you shocked me people.  Repeatedly.  Do I normally shop in snobby stores?  No.  I wouldn't consider Meijer, Target, Home Depot, Lowes, etc to be excessively snobby, but the clientele in my Walmart always has a way of stunning me with their behaviors.

Don't get me wrong, the web-site "People of Walmart" has such wonderful pictures of Walmart people in their full regalia, and I did see my fair share of those yesterday...yes I am talking to you "lady in the purple zebra print shortie daisy duke romper with high heeled black boots"...but the more shocking Walmart issue was the psycho parents.  Has a child psychologist toured our fair country's Walmart's taking notes and secretly video taping?  Because they would have a plethora of material for their "How NOT To Parent" series.

We witnessed the whiny "I want this" 4 year old that as soon as her mother would say no, she would pick up another thing and say "I want this."  That parent might as well have just timed her "No's" to every 15 seconds.  She didn't have to wait for her daughter to ask.

We witnessed the seemingly stoned parent who shuffled through the store pushing her cart, taking up the whole aisle, who in the coarse of the 6 minutes it took to get past her and her cart, lost her child 12 times.  This parent, who was called "MaMa" but looked more like a "Maw Maw" walked away from her child 12 times.  EVEN my kids rolled their eyes.  That child needed a tether or the parent needed a triple shot.

Then there was the loud talking, boisterous pair of women with the Hannah Montana-ish rugrat that ignored their superstar child whilst she sang into her bedazzled microphone at the top of her lungs in the produce section.  

The finale' was the obnoxious woman who sideswiped me to get into the "short line" with her cart of 196 items.  Call me crazy, but if you see a person walking toward a check out line (me) you don't run at them with your cart so they stop to avoid injury of all children involved, just to cut in front of them in line.

Wow.  About all I can say is wow Walmart.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dear Airline Passengers and Staff,

Dear Airline Passengers and Staff,

Thank you for teaching me how to stand in a boarding line and for correcting my errant ways in regards to carry on items.  I know, it seems like I should have learned these skills after almost 41 years on this earth, after all I do fly usually 2 or 3 times a year, but I keep forgetting that boarding lines are different from normal lines and that airlines have screwed themselves with carryon rules.

Take for instance the boarding groups.  On all four of our flights our boarding group was #2.  The airline employee would make the announcement that they were about to board, and every person within shouting distance would come and stand as close as they could...seemingly in a line to cheek in.  When our group was called, we went to stand in line and noticed the line was not moving.  We'd ask the people around us if they were in line and they would say no.  And stand there.  So we'd weave ahead.  Are you in line?  No.  Weave ahead.  PEOPLE.  You are standing in a line, but aren't actually in line.  What the heck?

On one of our flights we as we wove up through the "line" of people I asked one woman if she was in line and her answer?  "Yeah, everyone is!" (Insert snotty inflection here).  Being me, I retorted, "Actually all these other people?  Not so much.  They are just standing here."  And I walked ahead of the bitchy lady to the check in.  Turns out?  That lady was our seat mate.  David and I made a point of sitting together on that leg so that bitchy lady would get the pleasure of sitting with our sugared up, slap flighting, fart-y children.  Bitter?  Naw.  Grateful she corrected me.  Thank you bitchy lady.

And don't get me started on carry on items!  Mrs. American Airline employee who tackled me as I walked down the jetway with (gasp) 3 items rather than 2!  So sorry. Again, thanks for correcting me.

I should insert here that we went with 4 backpacks instead of checking luggage.  Each one of us carried a normal schoolchild sized backpack, and in addition, I carried my purse and small DSLR camera case.  If you have flown recently you know that this baggage charge has created such a stir.  Passengers carry these body bagged sized duffels, HUGE shopping bags full of weird crap, and basically break the rules on size with every bag.  This evil AA employee lets a woman in front of our group head down the jetway with two ENORMOUS duffel bags, but as I start down the jetway she balks at my backpack AND purse AND camera case (three!) all of which would have fit in half of one of the other lady's duffel bags.  David and the kids head down, and here I am being pulled aside so I can gate check one of my bags.  Seriously?

Thank God David, not seeing me in the jetway, comes back for me and takes my camera bag as I am arguing with evil AA lady.  Seeing that he has only a backpack, she agrees to his resolution.

I am muttering the whole way down the jetway until I remember I am on vacation.  "Don't let evil airline employee ruin your vacation.  Don't let evil airline employee ruin your vacation..."

Only one hug and one kiss (we wouldn't want to exceed our limit),



Yes, fair readers.  We went to Texas.  We decided that August in Texas during a drought would be such a refreshingly cool vacation.

Seriously, the trip was a gift for David.  David grew up in Texas and hadn't been back since middle school, and the kids and I had never been.  Honestly, I had bad mouthed Texas and never wanted to go because of my monumental fear of snakes, but baby?  I am sold.  I loved it!

We started the whirlwind tour of Texas in San Antonio...

We toured the Alamo.  

I NEVER knew that Texas had such beautiful pine and redwood trees.

Walked along the Riverwalk. 

More Alamo.  You know everyone told us that touring the Alamo is a bit strange because it is  a historical monument in the middle of a city.  I liked that it was close, and it didn't seem too strangely placed.  The grounds of the Alamo are gorgeous and fun to stroll through!

Jalapeno Poppers...yum.
And swamp coolers!  I heart swamp coolers!

A day at Schlitterbahn.  Eh.

Off to North Houston for a few days.
The above restaurant was David's favorite as a kid.  
David has talked about this restaurant for the 23 years we have been together.  
He has dreamt of eating here for 30 plus years.
 I hadn't changed a bit.

David's childhood home.

Chicken Fried Steak.

Brisket tacos?

LIVE cicadas.

A few days in Galveston on the beach.  (Oh where are the pictures?)

Back to the Riverwalk.  

Another gorgeous building in San Antonio.

Food.  Fun.  Sun.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Still on vacation...and fried. After bad mouthing all the mouthbreathers on the beach, we got back to our resort(yes,I'm a super snob) we discovered we were all lobsters. Even me...and I don't burn!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

So much to tell

We are on vacation! And I have no computer...just an iPod. Can't wait to share my pictures. Can't wait to tell you about our latest plane rides. Ohh and bipolar airline staff. More you want to guess where? I'll give you a hint. Davy Crockett...Sam Houston.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dear Crazy "Be Kind to Dead Animals" person,

Dear Crazy "Be Kind to Dead Animals" person,

Thank you so much for being so kind to the road kill right outside my neighborhood.  I understand  the type of person you are, but not why you did what you did.  You are very kind to animals.  You care.  But, being kind to road kill?  This is the circle of life baby.  Be an adult.

The curious way you tucked the sheet of cardboard around the giant dead possum in the street was truly touching, but it also made the poor thing look like it was taking a nap in the middle of the street.   His (?) little head was poking out of the cardboard like you had swaddled him in his blankie, NOT like he was dead and waiting for Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs friends to come and pick him up.  As my favorite line in Such A Pretty Fat said, the possum was taking a "nap on the side of the road after eating his jelly donut."

I am wondering about your intentions.  I have had some over the top pet-owner friends that shower their pets with treats, carry them around in purses, and send them to daycare while they are at work, but none of them pampered the road kill.  Please explain.

Hugs and Jelly Donut kisses,